A Shell of a Man
by Biblioboon
Summary: The aftermath of 8x02. Deeks is barely holding it together and the whole team is rocked to its core.


**A shell of a man**

Staying calm when you are in a dangerous situation and know that it is life or death is easy, managing it when your girlfriend is in need of desperate medical attention and you are told that you can't go with her is a lot harder, but when you're left alone in the dark and know that there is nothing you can do, staying calm becomes impossible. Deeks has paced the small quarters that they have been given so many times now that he has the pattern of the floor memorised.

Sam enters the small room and closes the door behind him, there are four beds and Deeks is staring at the one that would have been for Kensi if she were with them, "Deeks," Sam tries to get the blonde's attention but finds that he is too far gone at this point to respond to the sound of his name, "Deeks!" he repeats this time gripping the man's shoulder.

Deeks looks up and Sam sees that his eyes have glazed over with unshed tears, "I…I can't…I don't…Sam." He stammers trying to find a way to articulate exactly how he feels. Sam is thrown back to the time when Deeks had protected Michelle with his life and suddenly feels incredibly guilty.

"I'm sorry Deeks. I'm sorry that I didn't protect her for you." He finds that his voice is cracking as he says it because in that moment he is afraid that the team may lose their heart, they know that if she dies none of them will recover. There is a long silence as both men are lost in thought, "She'll pull through Deeks, she's strong. And soon you'll be with her."

"I bought a ring." Deeks whispers.

Sam smiles nodding, "That's why you said you were her fiancé?"

Deeks nods clenching his fists, "I asked, sort of…months ago. I need to do it properly though, she said she wanted me on one knee. I love her so much Sam. She is it for me, just like Michelle is for you."

Sam's smile grows, "I'm sorry this happened to you Deeks. I would never wish this feeling on anyone."

The tears that had been threatening to fall from his eyes finally drop and his head droops onto Sam's shoulder, the larger man wraps his arm around Deeks, "I just feel so helpless. I knew…" he pulls in a deep breath and shudders as he exhales, "when she was trapped I should have realised she wouldn't just be okay. She had a helicopter on top of her." Sam can read the signs anywhere, he pulls back as Deeks lashes out at a wall next to him, "DAMN IT!" he curses as his fist meets the metal wall, he winces at the pain but doesn't cry out.

G's head appears at the door, he tells them that they have a ride back to LA waiting on deck. Sam watches Deeks for a moment before thanking his partner and telling him they'd meet him up top. Deeks is shaking his head, "Come on, we should go."

Deeks is staring at the empty bed again, "What if we go back and she dies Sam? What if…"

Sam cuts him off, "If you only think about the maybes you'll worry yourself to death Deeks. You'll have to see when we get back." He places his hand on Deeks' shoulder again and grips it tightly, he tries to give Deeks something to hold onto, "You need to know that she is going to need you when she comes out of this."

Deeks laughs bitterly as he says, "When. When isn't certain. For all we know she's already dead Sam."

"You can't think like that, you won't think like that. She's going to be okay. Now come with me so we can go and see her." Sam used one hand to push Deeks from the room and the other to pick up all three bags.

* * *

She looked so different, so lifeless, so un-Kensi. Deeks stood in the doorway unable to move from the place where the nurse had left him. She had a bleed on the brain and was still in a coma, the bruises on her face had faded to a dark green colour. He felt sick looking at her, he couldn't breathe.

"You can come closer." The nurse who was checking the beeping machine by her bed broke the silence, she looked up from the machine and noticed the dark rings around his eyes, "you look like you could use some sleep."

"Not until she wakes up. I can't…I can't miss that." He mumbles running a hand though his hair before rubbing at the growing stubble on his chin. Sam appears at his shoulder once more, the senior agent has been watching over him since they landed, he'd been hovering by his side like an anxious mother hen, Deeks almost allows himself a smile as he thinks of Sam as a mother hen.

"Sit down Deeks." His voice is so close it seems to rumble through him.

"She looks so fragile."

"She does. Go and hold her hand Deeks. People believe that patients in a coma can hear our voices and are comforted when they know that we are with them." Sam gives him a gentle nudge and the blond takes a measured step closer to her bed. He can now see her knuckles, they are bruised and the wounds have now scabbed over.

"How do you do this?" Deeks asked his eyes now fixed on her hands which look so tiny he can hardly believe she holds guns for a living, "I can't do this, I can't sit by her bed waiting for her to wake up." He backs up feeling suddenly as if there isn't enough air in the room.

Sam doesn't follow him, "He'll be back Kens. Give him time." The large man steps into the room and places himself into the chair that he had wanted Deeks to sit in, "You need to wake up Kensi, he can't do this by himself." Sam stays the night and is woken in the morning by Callen standing by Kensi's bed. "Hey." He greets sitting up and stretching his arms above his head.

"No change?" G asks looking at the monitors before scanning her face briefly and finally settling on Sam.

Sam pushes himself up, "Is Deeks here?"

G nods, "He slept in the waiting room. Is he going to be okay?"

Sam shrugs, "Only if she is."

* * *

The chairs in the waiting room were plastic and uncomfortable, Deeks barely slept at all when he woke up from the small amount of sleep he managed to grab he found Nell and Eric flanking him. He sits up slowly and glances at them, Nell's eyes and rimmed red and Eric too looks like he's been crying. Fear grips him then and he has to get away from them, he pushes himself up and tries not to break into a run as he heads to her room. She is there, eyes closed her chest rising and falling slowly.

"Marty." Deeks turns to see that Kensi's mother is sitting in the chair by her daughter's bed, she pushes herself up and walks towards him, "Marty." She repeats as she wraps her arms around him.

"Julia, when did you get here?" he asks his eyes once again glued to her daughter's face.

"Sam picked me up about an hour ago." She pulls away and cups his cheek, "You need to sleep Deeks. I promise we will call you when she wakes up." He shakes his head and she removes her hand and moves to the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry." Deeks whispers.

"What?" Julia looks at him confused.

"I didn't protect her, I should've protected her."

Julia smiles at him, "I know you would have done everything you could Marty. You look hungry, wait here I'll go get you some food." Deeks isn't given the chance to argue with her she's already gone, leaving him alone with Kensi for the first time. His heart feels like it is beating faster in his chest as the panic begins to rise, his hands are clammy. He feels like his head is spinning so he reaches for the chair and lowers himself into it. One hand grips the metal frame of the bed while the other snakes between the bars to take Kensi's hand at last. Her hand is cold so Deeks cups it in both of his hands, he watches her face as tears slowly make their way across his cheeks.

"Sorry I wasn't here sooner. It is so hard to see you like this. I need you to wake up Kens. I really need you to wake up for me baby." He pulls in a shaky breath as he traces her knuckles with his thumb, the skin is rough and cracked and completely alien to him. He stays by her bed as the others all file in and out to come and visit, he barely says a word to them and just stares at her face willing her eyes to open.

"Mr. Deeks." The authoritative voice of Hetty Lange came from the doorway.

"I'm not going home Hetty."

"You need a shower Mr. Deeks, what do you think Ms. Blye will say when she wakes up to find you unshaved and unwashed at her bedside?"

Deeks wants to tell Hetty that Kensi isn't nearly witty enough to properly put him down. He bites his lip knowing that she is probably right, "You'll stay with her?"

Hetty nods and once he has vacated the seat by Kensi's bed she sits in it, "If anything changes I will call you immediately Mr. Deeks. Now eat and shower. Go, go!" she shooed him from the room, Nell was waiting outside to drive him home and in that moment Deeks knew that he would forever be grateful to Hetty, she had thought of everything. Nell guided him to her car as he walked out in a daze, he was back at the hospital less than two hours later feeling refreshed and now almost clean shaven.

He knew that he shouldn't have expected anything to have changed but he found that the nervous bubble in his chest burst when he walked back into her hospital room to find that nothing had changed. He slept in the chair by her bed the steady beeping of her heart monitor a constant reminder that she was still there. That morning Nell was there again, this time looking over at Kensi with sad eyes, when she realised Deeks had woken up she turned to him, "Granger said we need you at work. Hetty has gone to Washington and we're already a man…woman down. We need you Deeks."

"She needs me." He argued.

Nell offers him a weak smile and nods, "I know, but she's safe, nothing is going to happen to her here. We need to keep LA safe Deeks. You and me and Sam and Callen the whole OSP. I know leaving her feels impossible. But we need you."

"You're good at that." Deeks mumbles as he pulls himself to his feet, he leans across Kensi to press a kiss to her forehead for the first time in days, her skin is cold and Deeks makes a mental not to tell the nurse to turn the temperature up in her room. He stops himself before he leaves the room, "Hey, Princess? Nell-o-sauras needs me to go save the day. But I'll be back tonight." He cups her cheek running a thumb along her cheekbone, "Don't you go anywhere." He leans over again and kisses her forehead once more lingering a little longer to inhale her scent. He is disappointed to find that it has been masked by the clean smell of the hospital.

"Deeks." Nell prompts from the doorway.

He sniffs loudly and out of respect Nell turns away knowing that Deeks wouldn't want her to see his tears, "Okay Velma let's go. Sooner we get this case done the sooner I can be back here. Is…is her mom coming today?"

Nell nods, "Yours is too."

"My mom? Who called-" he pauses shaking his head again in awe of the things that Hetty could get done even when she is supposed to be in federal custody. He followed Nell out of the hospital and again allowed her to drive him, he wasn't sure that he was ready to drive, he probably hadn't had nearly enough sleep. He knew that Kensi would be in good hands with both their moms looking after her. It felt wrong to leave her, but he knew she'd be furious with him if he didn't do his job. She would kick his ass if she thought her being hurt had put others in danger.

"She's going to wake up Deeks." He glanced across at Nell in the driver's seat and nodded slowly hoping that if enough people told him that it would eventually make it true.

He would wait, he had no choice.

* * *

 **A/N: The start of season 8 was amazing at this just grabbed me and demanded to be written down. I hope that you enjoyed it, reviews are love. Let's hope that she wakes up soon. Poor Deeks.**


End file.
